Vatican City, March 19, 2013 - Newly elected Pope Francis drinks yerba, a preference that has roiled commodity markets worldwide and may lead to renewed conflict in the South Atlantic. Argentina's President Christina Kirschner gave the Pope a traditional yerba gourd and straw when they met earlier this week as a peace-offering for her compatriot and frequent adversary.
According to International Catholic Report's veteran Vatican correspondent, Jon Allan, the Pope eagerly sucked at the straw, breaching centuries of Vatican protocol and scandalizing Monsignor Guido Martini, the Vatican's Master of Liturgical Ceremonies, a traditionalist who has been at logger-heads with the Pope ever since the latter's election. Monsignor Martini attempted to place an elaborate scarlet cape on Francis' shoulders just as he was about to step out onto the balcony to greet the assembled multitudes in St Peter's Square, but the Pope refused, snapping, "Carnival is over, Monsignor!" That rebuke has been widely interpreted by Vatican-watchers as a signal that the end is near.
It is rumoured the Pope's first Encyclical may urge Catholics to eschew the caffeinated consumerist culture of modernity, returning to the simpler poorer communal lifestyle exemplified by yerba, a drink that is traditionally mixed in a dried gourd container and shared silently in a circle. According to Vatileaks, the Encyclical is tentatively titled "Gloriam Yerba" (The Glory of Yerba).
Coffee and tea futures have dropped sharply on world-wide commodity markets in anticipation of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics changing their hot beverage preferences. British diplomats were quick to seize on this development as Argentina's attempt to re-fight the Falklands conflict on a different battlefield.
A grim-looking U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron (whose personal family fortunes were built on the East India tea trade) warned that Britain would not take this latest Argentine affront lightly. "White smoke has billowed not just over the Vatican," Cameron said. "We will fight on the beaches and the tea plantations if need be." Britain has already signalled its determination to retaliate by naming the Duke of Gloucester, a distant cousin of the Queen, to head the British delegation to the Pope's inauguration. As medieval historians and Shakespeare scholars are well aware, this title was previously held by the former Richard III, whose grisly and abominable remains were recently found by scandalized construction workers under a parking lot in Leicester.
Vatican diplomats have denied reports of plans to purchase arms from France and Russia.
According to International Catholic Report's veteran Vatican correspondent, Jon Allan, the Pope eagerly sucked at the straw, breaching centuries of Vatican protocol and scandalizing Monsignor Guido Martini, the Vatican's Master of Liturgical Ceremonies, a traditionalist who has been at logger-heads with the Pope ever since the latter's election. Monsignor Martini attempted to place an elaborate scarlet cape on Francis' shoulders just as he was about to step out onto the balcony to greet the assembled multitudes in St Peter's Square, but the Pope refused, snapping, "Carnival is over, Monsignor!" That rebuke has been widely interpreted by Vatican-watchers as a signal that the end is near.
It is rumoured the Pope's first Encyclical may urge Catholics to eschew the caffeinated consumerist culture of modernity, returning to the simpler poorer communal lifestyle exemplified by yerba, a drink that is traditionally mixed in a dried gourd container and shared silently in a circle. According to Vatileaks, the Encyclical is tentatively titled "Gloriam Yerba" (The Glory of Yerba).
Coffee and tea futures have dropped sharply on world-wide commodity markets in anticipation of the world's 1.2 billion Catholics changing their hot beverage preferences. British diplomats were quick to seize on this development as Argentina's attempt to re-fight the Falklands conflict on a different battlefield.
Vatican diplomats have denied reports of plans to purchase arms from France and Russia.
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